finding love
by junodog
Summary: In order to assist Lieutenant Havoc on his quest for love, Colonel Mustang demonstrates the powers of a personal ad. Except the personal ad isn't for him. It's for the Fullmetal Alchemist. Mangabased although I don't think it matters and cracktastic.
1. Chapter 1

Um… not much to say about this… I was bored, and I wanted to write some more crack/non-crossover stuff, so here you go. I think it's rather self-explanatory.

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Edward Elric was dreaming. He dreamt about elephants on skis and speedboats and jam and some guy named Jeff and a transvestite with an accent who kept saying that God was some guy named James Mason. He was enjoying his dream, because Ed had been stressed out and was in desperate need of a laugh.

Sadly, his amusement ended when there was a loud knock on the door. Ed sat up and rubbed his eyes as his brother Alphonse opened the door to the small hotel room they were staying in. Their visitor was none other than Colonel Roy Mustang, the Flame Alchemist.

"Sleeping in today, Fullmetal?" he asked as Ed brought his legs out from under the couch. Yeah, it had definitely been a weird night. Stupid me and my inability to type the words I want to type.

"Yeah, I figured since we got in late last night I'd give myself a break. What are you doing here?"

"I have a request for you."

Ed raised an eyebrow in suspicion. "Really? What kind of request?"

"Get dressed and come with me."

"To headquarters?"

"Yes."

Ed looked at Roy's face. It was dead serious. Ed decided it would be a good idea to listen to his superior and got up. He pulled on his clothes and followed Roy out of the room.

------------

"A personal ad?" Ed asked, a look of sheer disbelief on his face. He was sitting on a chair in Roy's office, facing the Colonel and also Second Lieutenant Havoc.

"That's right, Fullmetal. You see, Lieutenant Havoc has been having troubles with his love life lately, so I suggested that he place a personal ad in the newspaper. However, he doesn't believe that it'll do him any good. He says those things do nothing other than give content couples something to laugh at."

"So you want to have a way to make fun of me."

"No. I want to prove that anyone can get love from a personal ad, even a fifteen-year-old pipsqueak."

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING A PIPSQUEAK?"

"Calm down, Fullmetal. You shouldn't speak to a superior officer that way."

"There's no way I'll do it."

"It's an order."

Ed moodily sat back down as Roy handed him a piece of paper and a pen.

"Go ahead. Write it out."

Ed grabbed the pen with a very angry look on his face. He began writing the ad with both of the men watching him. Roy read every word as he wrote it, occasionally telling him to change a sentence.

"Put down your height, too."

"Why?"

"So that they know what to expect when they meet you."

"What, you don't actually expect this to work, do you?"

"That's what I'm trying to prove. Now write it down."

Ed thought about it for a moment before writing the word height on the page. Next to it he placed two numbers. Roy looked at it and looked back at Ed.

"I thought I said to be honest."

"I am."

"You're not 5'4" at all."

"How would you know?"

"I'm in charge of you. I have access to all your records."

Ed crumpled up the paper and threw it at Roy. "Well, if you know so much about me, then why don't you write it?"

"I thought about that, but then I realized that it would be unfair to do this without telling you first."

"Don't you mean asking?" Ed asked, his eyes narrowed.

"If I had given you a choice, we would have gotten nowhere with this, and Havoc would be at a loss."

Both Ed and Havoc glared at Roy for this comment. Roy picked up the paper and flattened it out. "If you want me to write it, I will. I'll be sure to describe _all_ your redeeming qualities in detail."

Ed snatched the paper back and finished writing. Once he was finished, he handed it back to Roy and stormed out of the room.

"Oh, by the way, Fullmetal," Roy began as Ed opened the door. "You're not allowed to leave East City until we get at least five responses."

Ed glared at Roy. "You have got to be kidding me."

"I'm not. You're stuck."


	2. Chapter 2

Yeah, posting this so that I don't have to do it later… the first response…

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Three days after the ad was sent in, Ed was once again summoned to headquarters, where Roy was waiting for him with a bundle of clothes in his arms.

"We got a response."

"Really? That's nice."

"You're going to meet her. Tonight."

Ed stared blankly at Roy. "Hah?"

"You heard me. You're going on a date tonight."

Ed stared blankly for another minute. "I can't believe I'm doing this…"

"Well, you wouldn't want your little secret to get out, would you?"

"Damn you…"

Roy smiled and held out the bundle to Ed. "Here, I'll help you get dressed. Take off your coat."

Ed looked at the clothes with disdain. "I don't need help," he said as he grabbed the bundle. He disappeared into the bathroom for several moments, only to stick his head out in embarrassment. "You just _have_ to make everything more complicated than it needs to be, don't you?"

"I take it you want help now?"

"I don't _want_ help, but I guess I don't have a choice, do I?"

Roy stifled a laugh as he walked up to the tiny alchemist and began adjusting his tie. "You really don't wear nice clothes very often, do you?"

"No, because I'm usually doing more important things."

"Like what?"

"Like trying to find the Philosopher's Stone."

"Well, I think you need a break from that."

"Yeah, sure."

---------------

Once Ed looked all nice and fancy-schmancy, he followed Roy to a car and sat with his arms folded as Roy drove him to a nearby restaurant.

"So this woman's name is Susan, and she's in her early twenties. I don't know why she agreed to go out with a fifteen-year-old, but then again, there are a lot of people like that in the world."

"Uh-huh… Well, as long as she isn't psychotic like a certain other person I know, I'm fine with it."

Roy stopped the car and got out with Ed. "Well, she should be here by now. She's going to be wearing a light blue dress and a light green hat with a pink flower on it. Oh, look, here she is now."

Ed watched cautiously as a woman wearing the aforementioned clothing came up to him. She was absurdly tall and leaned down to be at eye level with Ed.

"I'm assuming you're Edward?"

"That's right," Roy said. "Listen, I'll pick you up here at nine o'clock, got it?"

Ed nodded. "Right."

Susan took Ed's arm and led him into the restaurant, where they were promptly seated in a small booth in the corner. "So," Susan began. "Why don't we get to know one another before our food gets here?"

"Eh? Shouldn't we order first?"

"Oh, don't worry about that. I already ordered for you."

"Really? What did you order?"

Susan listed the entrée she had ordered for Ed. Ed listened, realizing that what she had ordered was something he'd actually like to eat. It wasn't until the end that he realized something was wrong.

"And to drink, I got you milk."

"Milk?"

"Yeah, you said in your ad that you really liked it, didn't you?"

"Um… actually…"

"Did I get it wrong?" Susan asked, a look of concern on her face.

Ed saw the look on her face, but he didn't understand the warning until it was too late. "Um, yeah, I actually put that I really _don't_ like milk. I guess you just missed the 'don't,' but that's okay."

"I… messed up…? Me, miss a word in an ad?" Susan was getting tears in her eyes.

"It… it's not really that big of a deal…" Ed began, but he was cut off by a sob.

"I CAN'T BE LIKE THIS! WHY MUST I FAIL AT EVERYTHING?" Susan cried.

"Hey, come on, it's not that big of a deal!" Ed protested as Susan covered her face and began sobbing. Ed looked around for help, but nobody in the restaurant seemed interested in helping him. In fact, they all seemed to be avoiding eye contact.

Susan finally stopped crying and faced Ed again. "Sorry about that. I tend to get overly emotional after I've had a child."

"Huh? You have kids?"

"Why, yes, my husband and I have four children."

"You're married?"

"Yes. I figured that since you're fifteen, and since the phone number in the ad was for the Flame Alchemist, that you were doing this for some sort of bet, and I thought I'd help."

"It's not a bet," Ed replied. "It's me being forced to do this because it's apparently a good lesson for one of his subordinates."

"I see."

The rest of the night passed pleasantly. Susan talked about her family, and Ed mentioned his brother a couple of times. By the time Roy arrived, Ed was beginning to change his mind about the whole ordeal. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad.


	3. Chapter 3

As Roy drove Ed back to the hotel, he smiled at the alchemist's semi-positive attitude.

"Did you have a good time?"

"For the most part."

"That's good. I got another call today. It looks like you're more popular than I thought."

"That's nice."

------------------

The next evening, Ed got dressed in a different suit, gained several amused looks from both his brother and Lieutenant Hawkeye, and got into the Colonel's car again.

"Where are we going this time?" Ed asked as they drove through East City.

"The call I got was from someone whose last name was Izzman. She didn't give her first name, so you should be cautious."

"Shouldn't you research these people before you send me to spend several hours alone with them?"

"Who says I don't? It just so happens that I trust you enough to get out of a bad situation on your own."

Ed got out of the car and followed Roy to the front door of a house. Roy rang the doorbell and walked off, leaving Ed to face his newest date on his own.

After a moment, the door opened, and a woman wearing heels and some sort of dress let him in.

"You must be Edward. Come in, the jam is waiting."

Ed followed Ms. Izzman to the kitchen table and sat down where she indicated. She began fixing tea. It took Ed a moment to realize that he was actually talking to a man. Once he figured this out, he sort of jumped in surprise. The man sat down after bringing tea to the table and pulled off his high-heeled boots.

"I guess you aren't used to this sort of thing. My name is Jeff."

"Um…"

"Yes, I'm the one who answered your ad. I was bored."

"I see…"

"So why exactly is a fifteen-year-old writing personal ads?"

"Um… Because I didn't really have a choice. Hey, wait a minute, I just wrote one!"

"Well, then, why is this one different from the one that was in the paper two days ago?"

Ed took the newspaper that Jeff was holding out. As he read the ad, he became very angry. "That damn Colonel."

"Come on, let's go keep bees now."

"Huh?"

Jeff dragged Ed out of the room and into a huge backyard full of beehives. Ed stared in shock at all the bees. Jeff placed a random hat thingy with a net on it over Ed's head.

"Uh… You're a beekeeper?"

"No. I'm actually a comedian. I just do this to see if anyone gets the joke."

"Uh-huh…"

Ed spent the rest of the evening running away from bees. Somehow he had managed to make them very angry, and the net had a big hole in it. Once Roy arrived, Ed gratefully took off the net thingy and ran for the car, shouting a somewhat polite farewell to Jeff. All he heard in return was a loud shout of "I'M EIGHTY-TWO!"

"I take it this one was a disaster, huh, Fullmetal?" Roy asked as he watched Ed pull a stray bee out of his left arm.

"Yeah, it really was."

Roy turned back to the road. "I guess we won't mention this one to Havoc. Which means we'll have to add another date to the list."

Ed glared at Roy until they arrived at the hotel. Once the car was stopped, Ed got out, slammed the door, and stormed into the building. Roy decided not to mention that Ed had another date the next day.


	4. Chapter 4

Wow. This story's going absurdly quickly, even for me. I guess I just love writing crack. XD

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The next date brought Ed to an amusement park. A _modern_ amusement park. I don't feel like researching what amusement parks were like in FMA time, okay? So just deal with it.

He waited with Roy at the ticket booth for a while before Roy mysteriously disappeared. Ed looked around for him and saw that the Colonel had gone to play some random carnival game. He was about to go mess things up for Roy when someone tapped him on the shoulder. It was a woman, wearing the outfit that Roy had said Ed's date would be wearing.

"Are you Edward?"

Ed nodded. "Yeah."

"Good, let's go," she said, grabbing Ed's arm and pulling him through the park. Ed tried to pull his arm away, but her grip was too strong.

"Hey, where are we going?" Ed asked.

"Where do you think, moron? We're going to the tunnel of love."

"Right away?"

"Yes."

_Oh, great. This is going to be nice and awkward,_ thought Ed as they waited in line.

Once they got into the boat, Ed was surprised to see that the woman wasn't paying much attention to him. Instead, she pulled out a lighter and stuck something in her mouth. It looked like she was going to smoke crack.

"Uh…"

"This is the only place in the park where we can get away with this," she said as she began smoking. She handed the joint to Ed after a moment. "You want it?"

"No thanks."

"Oh, come on, kid, don't be boring."

"Seriously, I'm really not in the mood for-"

The woman tackled Ed to the floor of the boat and tried forcing the joint into Ed's mouth. "Come on, you'll like it."

"NO!" Ed shouted. The woman took this opportunity to stick it into Ed's open mouth and held it there. At this point in time, they had come out of the tunnel, and many people were curiously watching the two. Ed managed to take the joint out of his mouth and threw it into the water, but he was still pinned to the ground. Two security officers pulled her off of Ed while another grabbed him. The two of them were dragged to the security office for questioning.

-----------------

"I'm telling you, he's the one who brought it!"

Mr. Biggles, the head of security for the park, shook his head as the woman tried to place all blame for the incident on Ed. Ed had an icepack on his head. When the woman had pushed him down, he had hit his head very hard on a corner of the boat.

"Then why were you pushing him to the ground and holding it in his mouth?"

"I was trying to pull it out!"

Ed glared at the woman. "No you weren't."

"Hey, shut up, kid."

"Excuse me?"

Mr. Biggles placed his hands on each of their shoulders. He was very big and intimidating. "Will you two quit arguing? Now, I know for a fact that you're a member of the military," Biggles said, looking straight at Ed. "So why are you going on dates with a drug addict?"

"I didn't know she was that kind of person!"

"Of course not! You wanted to get me into that filthy habit!" the woman shouted, fake tears coming into her eyes.

Mr. Biggles gave up. "All right, that's it. Both of you are coming with me."

Ed glared at the woman as a security officer came into the room and placed Ed's hands in handcuffs. Mr. Biggles grabbed Ed's arm and pulled him out of the building. He led the two to a car and had them sit in the backseat. Just as the car was started, Roy ran up to them. He spoke to Mr. Biggles for a moment before getting Ed out of the car. Mr. Biggles took off the handcuffs and apologized briefly to Ed before turning to the woman.

Roy practically dragged Ed through the amusement park to the entrance, where his car was parked. He sat Ed down inside and got into the driver's seat. There was complete silence in the car for a moment.

"I didn't realize you smoked, Fullmetal."

"I don't."

"Then why do you reek of smoke?"

"It's her fault."

"How?"

"She made me do it."

Roy started the car and began driving. "Another failure, eh?"

"Yep."

"I guess this one won't count either."

"Oh, what, you're going to make me do this until it actually works out?"

"Exactly."

Ed groaned and looked through the window. "You suck, Colonel."


	5. Chapter 5

The next date was a fairly normal one. Ed met up with a girl about his age, and they had good times together. Of course, it was all ruined when Roy came barging in and dragged Ed away, yelling at him for putting a personal ad in the paper and willingly meeting up with complete strangers. Ed didn't understand this act until he realized that Roy was trying to prevent Ed from actually getting a girlfriend out of this.

He sulked on the way back to the hotel. Roy finally got sick of Ed's moodiness and looked directly at him.

"Oh, come on. You can't get a girlfriend before this is done."

"Why not? Wouldn't it prove your point to Havoc?"

Roy opened his mouth and was about to speak when he realized that Ed was right and he had been a total moron. "Okay, you win. Either way, it's too late now. Besides, don't you have more important things to do than go on dates with your girlfriend?"

"If that's so, then why aren't you letting me do said important things?"

Roy was stumped once again. Luckily, they were almost at the hotel, so he slammed on the brakes and watched as Ed fell from the seat. "Here you are. Get out."

Ed picked himself up off the floor of the car and got out. He slammed the door so hard that the door broke and fell to the ground.

"Fullmetal!"

"What?"

"Fix it. Now."

Ed moodily reattached the door with alchemy and stormed off into the hotel. Once he was in his room, he fell on his bed and pulled a pillow over his head. Al looked up from the cat he was feeding.

"Something wrong, brother?"

"I hate that bastard. Next thing I know, I'm going to be freaking kidnapped by one of my groupies."

"Do you even have groupies?"

Ed took the pillow off of his head and looked at his brother, not quite seeing the kitten. "If I do, they'll definitely show up soon."

---------------

Ed woke up to a knock on the door. He pulled on his clothes as Al went to answer it. It was Roy, and he had an unreadable expression on his face.

"We have another response."

"That's nice."

"You have a date in one hour on the other side of town. Which means we have to leave now if you want to be on time."

Ed went back to bed at this. "I don't really feel the need to be on time."

"Yeah, well, you don't have a choice."

Ed sat up. "You suck."

"Don't say that."

"Why not?"

"I outrank you."

Ed unwillingly followed Roy out to the car and stared out the window as Roy drove through the town. Once they were there, Roy let Ed out of the car and watched as Ed walked up to the house. Ed knocked cautiously on the door, which opened within seconds to reveal a dark interior.

"Um, hello?" Ed called out as he walked into the room. The door closed on its own behind him. "Is… Kate here?"

"Yes, I am here," called out an eerie chorus of female voices. Ed looked around, trying to figure out where the chorus was coming from. After a moment, a light turned on. Ed started. About fifty girls were standing around him, each with light brown hair and black clothes. They smiled in unison. "We're glad you came."

"Uh… What exactly is going on?" Ed asked, feeling a deep sense of unease creep through his body.

"You're here for a date, aren't you?" they asked. "We're the ones who called."

Ed stepped back toward the door, only to find that there were girls behind him. Two of them stepped up to him and grabbed each arm, pinning them against his body. "Don't leave just yet. We haven't had any fun yet." The two girls continued to hold him as another girl walked up to him. She took a rope and began tying Ed down. Once she was finished, she held a length of rope in her hands and tied one end around his neck.

"Come along, Edward," she said, pulling on the rope so that Ed was forced to walk forward. "We have much to do."

"What the hell is wrong with you people?" Ed asked as he tried to break free from the ropes.

"We love you, Edward. We always have, ever since we first saw you."

Ed continued to struggle, but the leader of the girls pulled roughly on his leash. "Come on, you need to go to your room."

"He's not listening!" one of the others cried.

Ed managed to yank the leash out of the leader's hands and ran for the door. Before he made it, however, one of the girls struck him in the neck, and he fell to the ground.

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When Ed woke up, he was on a cold metal table. One of the girls was sitting on his chest, staring straight into his face. "You're being a bad boy."

"What the hell is wrong with you people?" Ed asked again, trying to move his arms.

"You're supposed to love us. Why don't you love us?"

"Because you're freaking psycho!"

The girl got off of him and moved out of Ed's vision for a moment. When she returned, she had a jar of something in her hands. She unscrewed the lid of the jar and stuck her fingers in it. Then she began smearing something all over Ed's face.

"What is this?" Ed asked.

"Peanut butter."

"Why the hell are you covering my face in peanut butter?"

"Because it amuses me."

Just then, the door broke open, and Ed heard gunshots. The girl screamed and ducked, her arms and head covering Ed's face. Luckily, her sleeve wiped off most of the peanut butter.

Roy pulled the girl off of Ed as Riza began to untie him. Ed sat up, rubbing his wrists.

As Riza led him out of the building, Ed could hear girls crying and calling out his name. Ed sat in the backseat of the car and wiped off his face. He definitely wouldn't be eating any peanut butter for a while.

--------------

There was an uncomfortable silence in Roy's office. He had called Ed in to announce the next date, but Ed hadn't quite been himself lately. After a while, Roy stood up.

"Look, I'm sorry. I didn't have a clue that you'd be the victim of rabid fangirls."

"Well, I guess you were wrong, huh?"

"Yes, I was wrong."

"I'm not doing this anymore."

"You have to."

"Why?"

"Because, even though it was horrifying for you, when Lieutenant Havoc heard that you had rabid fangirls after you, he gained some hope. You have to continue for his sake."

"Not if I have to go through something like that again."

"No. I'll make sure to investigate the people who call from now on."

"Yeah, you'd better do that."

"I will. Now why don't you go back to the hotel? I'll give you today and tomorrow off, okay?"

"Fine." Ed stood up and walked to the door. Al was waiting for him in the hall. Together they walked from headquarters to the hotel. When they got there, Ed buried his head in his pillow and refused to move. Al covered his brother with a blanket and began playing with the cat. He felt bad for his brother, but he secretly wished that he had fangirls of his own. Maybe not crazy ones, but something to keep him from feeling lonely.


	6. Chapter 6

Ed groaned as he woke up. His entire body was sore because he had fallen asleep in a very awkward position. He sat up and pushed the couch off of his foot. Sadly, the couch had left a heart-shaped indent on his skin. In the middle of the heart were three letters. Ed looked with horror at the letters: R-O-Y.

"NOOOO!!!!!!!! I'M NOT IN LOVE WITH HIM!!!!!!!" he shouted before realizing that he wasn't alone in the room.

Two dogs were staring at him. One was an adorable black lab with an adorable face and the cutest pity face on the face of the earth and wonderful brown eyes and a cute little pink harness, and the other was a badass-looking husky.

"Um… what's with the dogs?" Ed asked as he frantically rubbed his foot, trying to get rid of the Roy heart.

"Um… well… they're your next date, brother…"

Ed looked incredulously at his brother. "Al, are you feeling all right?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. That's what the Colonel told me when he dropped them off."

"Okay… what am I supposed to do with two random dogs?"

The husky walked up to him and sniffed his face. "You _could_ start by taking us for a walk."

Ed started. "Gah! The dogs can talk?"

"I can," said the husky. The black lab walked up to Ed and started licking his pants. "My name is Kairi. This is Juno right here. She's a normal dog, but I'm not. I'm just taking her with me because Kyler's busy today."

"Who's Kyler?"

"He's our owner, but that's completely irrelevant to the story. Oh, and I'm part wolf too. Isn't that exciting?"

Ed scratched his head. "Um, sure…" He stood up. "Okay, so… I guess I'll be going out with these two, Al. See you later."

---------dash--

As Ed took the two dogs down the street, he noticed that Kairi kept glancing at him when she thought he wasn't looking. Eventually, they came to a dog park, and Ed let Juno off her leash. Kairi was smart enough that she didn't need a leash.

Kairi sat next to Ed as Juno ran around and played with the other dogs. After a while, he decided to talk to Kairi.

"So… why did you decide to call?"

"I didn't call. Kyler did it for me. But, if you want a reason, I guess you could just say that I wanted to be able to talk to another human. I don't really get to talk to many."

"But why me?"

"Because that makes the story more interesting."

Juno began rolling in a random pile of snow. Ed watched with amusement. "So do you ever do normal dog things?"

"Yeah, sometimes. I just figured today would be a good day to take it easy."

"I see."

At that moment, Kakashi randomly popped into the story and let his dogs hang out with Juno. Juno ran around and sniffed stuff and played with the dogs and licked Kakashi's pants. Then she pinned Kakashi to the ground and tore off his mask, and Ed was like "OMG KAKASHI'S A HOTTIE!"

Ed ran up to Kakashi and tackled Juno because he was bored and then Juno whined cuz Ed had pushed her a little too roughly and Juno bit his right arm and a tooth fell out and I went up to Ed and punched him in the face for being mean to my dog, even though she's Kyler's dog in this story, but I'm Kyler in my mind so it all works out and then Kairi looked around and wished she weren't a fictional dog since she loves me and I love her and I love Ed and I'm going to shut up now because this isn't going anywhere.

So the rest of the day passed nicely, except for when Juno ate a bone and puked it up on Ed's shoes. Then Ed had to throw his shoes away and walked home in his knee-high penguin socks that he stole from me.


	7. Chapter 7

The next call for Ed led him to an empty park on the other side of the city. Roy had dropped him off and gone into hiding in order to observe, not wanting to subject Ed to another peanut butter incident.

Ed sat down on the specified bench and waited. Finally, his date arrived. She was a pretty woman in her early twenties. She sat down next to him and introduced herself as Sally.

After they talked about random stuff for about half an hour, Sally took Ed's hand and led him to an ice cream parlor. They got ice cream and wandered around the city for a while.

After a while, Roy got bored and realized that Sally was a perfectly normal lady, despite the fact that she was dating a fifteen-year-old midget. He went back to work, since he was getting behind due to all this dating nonsense that he had started but didn't want to end because it was amusing to see Ed in such awkward situations.

They wandered around for another hour or so before Sally brought Ed back to the park. There, she sat down on a bench. Ed sat down next to her. She turned her face away.

"Um, is something wrong?" Ed asked.

"No, no. Today was wonderful. It's just that…" Sally paused a moment. "I WANT CHILDREN DAMN IT! LET'S GET MARRIED!"

Ed fell off the bench in surprise. "Married? Um, I'm still a little young for that…"

"I DON'T CARE! I NEED KIDS!"

Ed looked around, hoping to see Roy spying on him somewhere nearby. Sadly, Roy had gone back to work, so Ed had to get himself out of this situation on his own. He stood up and slowly backed away. Sally stood up, a scary glint in her eye.

"You can't escape! I will make sure you become my bride!"

"Don't you mean husband?" Ed shouted back to her as he ran away.

"Yeah! You're going to be my husband!"

Ed sprinted through the park with Sally hot on his trail. After a while, he got far enough away so that he could use some alchemy. He brought his hands together and placed them on the ground. Nothing happened.

Sally tackled Ed to the ground and pushed his face into the ground. "Ha, this ground right here isn't what you think it is. I had a feeling you'd try to run away, so I coated it with dirt from Florida, which is completely different from any other kind of dirt you'll ever see."

"Damn it, I don't want to marry you! And where the hell is Florida, anyway?"

"It doesn't matter! I have you now!"

Just then, Al came running up with his army of kittens. The kittens all jumped on Sally, who ran away screaming with a bunch of kitten claws in her skin. Al helped his brother up.

"Are you okay?"

"No. If I have one more crazy lady tackle me on a date, I'm leaving the military. There isn't much that's worth this."

"Don't worry, brother. I'll make sure things don't turn out like this again, okay?"

"Yeah, thanks."


	8. Chapter 8

Ed and Roy were arguing in Roy's office. Ed was very, very angry about the situation, but Roy wasn't letting him move on with his life. In fact, Ed was supposed to go on another date that night.

"Fullmetal, I swear, this one won't be bad. I researched this woman, and she's perfectly nice."

"Yeah, well, Sally was nice until she went freaking psycho after you left."

"Okay, so I shouldn't have left you alone. I also shouldn't have made you do this in the first place. I'm a horrible human being and I deserve to be shot. I also shouldn't make comments on your height because it hurts your feelings. Is there anything else you want me to say?"

"Yeah, that I don't have to go this evening."

"No, I'm not going to say that. But I will say this: if everything goes well, this'll be the last one. Apart from Sally going crazy at the end, yesterday went pretty well, and I already told Havoc about the good parts, so you're up to four successes. One more and you'll be set."

Ed glared at Roy. "You know, you're really making me never want to date again."

"How was I supposed to know that a personal ad for you would end up attracting all the weirdos in town? Now get dressed."

"No."

"Fullmetal, this is an order."

"I don't care."

"Is it really that bad?"

"Yes, it is."

"Fine. I guess you don't want a reason for your fangirl group to stay away from you."

"Huh?"

"One of them came here and asked to see you. I told her that you had a date and that you were busy, so she said she'd leave you alone since you had a girl to go out with. She's going to come back the minute you go back to being single."

"You expect me to believe that?"

"Yes. Just look outside the window."

Ed stepped to the window and groaned when he saw the fifty light brown haired girls staring up at him. He stepped away from it very quickly. "Fine. This had better be the last one."

"It should be. After that, you can go wherever you want."

"Good."

-------------------

Ed's date was very short. She was almost shorter than him, but sadly, Ed was still the shorter one. Shorty mcshort short short short short. Damn short is a weird-looking word.

Instead of being all lovey-dovey and stuff, all Ms. Johnson did was stare at Ed's forehead. After a while, Ed got sick of this and decided to ask what she was doing.

"Do you know you have a nice forehead?"

"Huh?"

"Yeah, it's all nice and pretty."

"Um, thanks?"

"You're welcome."

Ed stood up to go to the bathroom. Ms. Johnson followed him to the door.

"What are you doing?"

"Making sure you aren't going to run off on me."

"What? Why would I do that?"

"Because I saw you run away from about half your dates."

"Wait, you saw me? What, have you been stalking me?"

Ms. Johnson blinked and did the shifty eye thing. "Yes."

Ed groaned and went into the bathroom. When he came out, Ms. Johnson was still standing outside the door. "Good, you didn't run off."

Ed groaned and walked back to the table and sat down. Ms. Johnson sat across from him and dropped a bracelet on the ground. As she went under the table to pick it up, Ed looked around the restaurant. He wished he could be eating at any table other than this one.

When Ms. Johnson came back up, she was wearing the bracelet and had lipstick on. Ed blinked. She hadn't been wearing that before.

He shifted his foot and found it wouldn't move more than a few inches away from where it had been. He looked under the table and saw that his foot had been chained to the floor.

"Hey! What are you doing?" he asked Ms. Johnson.

"Making sure you don't run off."

"Excuse me? I wasn't planning on running off."

"Sure you weren't."

Once dinner was over, Ed sat and waited for his date to let his foot out. She did, but as they walked out of the restaurant, she somehow managed to handcuff him and get a chain around his neck. She pulled on the chain and led Ed to a house nearby. She also had a gun pointed at his head.

"Hey, what are you doing?" Ed asked.

"The date's not over."

"Well, I said I had to leave at-"

"Times like that are for wimps. We're going out all night."

Ed felt a deep feeling of dread. He quietly brought his hands together and waited for Ms. Johnson to be off her guard. Once he got a chance, he put his right hand up to the gun and transmuted it. Then he ran as fast as he could before he got yanked back by the chain.

Ms. Johnson pulled out another gun and pointed it at Ed's head. "Nice try, punk."

"Damn…" Ed brought his hands together and placed his right hand on the gun just as Ms. Johnson fired. The bullet ripped a hole in Ed's hand and almost hit him in the face, but Ed ducked out of the way as he transmuted the gun into a random sculpture. Then he transmuted his way out of the chains and handcuffs and ran like hell.

---------------------

"What was that you were saying about having researched this woman, Colonel?" Ed was sitting in Roy's office, wrapping a piece of cloth around his broken automail hand. Ms. Johnson had been arrested, but set free on the grounds that she was crazy and harmless as long as she obeyed the restraining order and stayed away from Ed.

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry. I did research her, and evidently all the reports forgot to mention that she was a bit touched in the head."

"What, are you British?"

"Shut up. Oh, and you have another date tomorrow."

"Great, just great."


	9. Chapter 9

Ed sat on the couch for hours, not wanting to move at all. His latest date had resulted in a massive head injury, and any movement sent out bursts of pain through his entire body. When he did move, it was to give his superior a death glare.

Eventually, Roy got sick of it and stood up. "Okay, how the hell was I supposed to know that when she said 'head banger' she meant it literally?"

"What did you think it meant?" Ed retorted before grabbing his head.

"I thought it was a different way of saying psychologist."

"Well obviously you need to get people to clarify."

Riza walked up to Ed and gave him a new ice pack. "He does have a point, sir."

Roy stood up. "Okay, I'm sorry. If you want to call this off you can." He looked out the window and turned to Ed. "Um…"

"They're still out there, aren't they?" Ed asked in resignation.

"Yep."

Ed groaned. Roy paced the room and tried to figure something out. "I could get a restraining order."

"That didn't work last time."

"I know, but it might this time."

"Are you kidding? Even if they don't come near me, they'll still get as close as they possibly can. I'll probably end up having a circle of crazies around me at all times. A really big circle."

Roy tried to imagine a circle of brown haired girls following Ed everywhere he went and nearly burst out laughing. Then he came close to getting a bullet in his brain and quieted down. Ed was cringing from the noise.

"Sorry, Edward," Riza said, putting her gun away.

"No worries." Ed sat up and looked expectantly at Roy.

"Maybe you can spend a while in hiding."

"I'm _not_ going into hiding because of some girls."

"Then dye your hair."

"I tried that already."

"Then… I don't know, okay? Why don't you just pretend you have a girlfriend or something?"

"That would involve finding someone to follow me around everywhere, and where am I going to find someone like that?"

After much more arguing, it was decided that Ed would continue dating random women until his cult forgot about him, or at least stopped being so psychotic. The next date was the next night.

---------------

Ed waited for his date to arrive with Roy as backup. Of course, he was hiding behind a bush, so Ed didn't feel quite as awkward about meeting someone with Roy right there.

When she arrived, they sat down on a bench and talked about random stuff. The woman seemed very nervous, and she finally said what was bothering her.

"I didn't… really come for you. I was wondering…"

"Yeah?"

"I'm in love with Roy Mustang. Like seriously in love. I want to spend every waking moment with him."

Ed's surprise soon gave away to an evil grin. "You want to meet him?"

"Yes, please!"

Ed cast a quick glance at the bush Roy was hiding in and gave the woman a friendly smile. "He's in that bush over there."

The woman broke out into tears. "Do you have to be so mean? I'm serious!"

"No, I mean it! He's right there, see?" Ed gestured to Roy's not-so-great hiding place, and the woman smiled with joy.

"THANK YOUUUUU!!!!!!!!!" she screamed as she jumped over the bench and tackled Roy. Ed watched in amusement as Roy tried to figure out what was going on.

---------------

"What was that for, Fullmetal?" Roy asked indignantly as Riza patched up his numerous bruises.

"Hey, she wanted to meet you," Ed replied, unable to hide a smug grin.

"You could have given me some warning."

"Hey, what goes around comes around, Colonel."

"He's right, you know," Riza said as she placed a bandage on Roy's nose.

"Okay, fine," Roy said. "You're right, I'm wrong, and I'm a terrible human being for making you go through all of this."

"And?"

"And you're still going to be doing this."

"Eh?"

"Havoc is now at the point where he's half-convinced. We're making some progress, but we can't just go halfway. That and your cult's still coming after you."

"Can't you just arrest them or something?"

"We tried, but since they all look the same, it's impossible to tell which ones were the ones who actually assaulted you, and we can't exactly arrest all of them, because legally, not all of them are guilty."

Ed groaned. "Fine."

Roy stood up and patted Ed on the shoulder. "Good. I'll let you know how things work out."


	10. Chapter 10

It was puking snow when the next date occurred. Ed tried to wade through all the snow in order to reach the meeting place, but his arm and leg continuously caused him to sink, and he was too small to gets shot

He pulled himself up on a windowsill that was open in order for the restaurant owner to be able to let people into his restaurant without having to shovel the area in front of the door every five seconds. He waited in the restaurant for over an hour before realizing that his date had stood him up. He sighed, realizing that it would be impossible for her to get here, especially when the restaurant was only a block away from headquarters and the woman lived all the way on the other side of East City.

-------------------

Ed came back from his next date with yet another head injury and a rather… unique fear of hairnets. And of course, since hairnets are only bought by old ladies who buy nothing else except for dog food, this fear would have been left unnoticed if it hadn't been for the fact that Roy lost a bet. Ed woke up in the hospital with several restraints holding him down. Roy was sitting beside him, reading a book he had stolen from Kakashi. When he noticed that Ed was awake, he snapped the book shut and threw it to Kakashi, who disappeared with his uber-awesome ninja skills before Ed could figure out what the book was about.

Roy quickly dusted himself off and tried to look all official and stuff, but it didn't work very well. "Erm… well, Fullmetal, it seems you've obtained a rather rare phobia. Care to explain how?"

Ed shuddered as he remembered the hairnet incident. "Please… no more hairnets… I can't take it… NO! NOT THE HAMSTERS!"

Roy was all WTF at this, but he didn't comment. He simply patted Ed on the head and gave him a lollipop. Sadly, the candy fell out of Ed's mouth and since Ed was restrained, he couldn't exactly get it. Roy left and was hit by a train that randomly came through the hallway because he hadn't helped Ed retrieve the lollipop.

--------------

Roy and Ed spent several days in the same hospital room, each recovering from their various injuries. When the time came for them to leave, Ed was appalled to hear that he had another date that very evening. He sat in his hotel room and thought it over for a very long time before getting an idea.

"Al, you go."

"What? You can't do that, brother…"

"I'll let you keep a kitty."

"OMFMTYAYSKITTIESILIKEKITTIESI'LLDOITBROTHERTHANKYOU!!!!!"

Ed smiled and fell asleep as Al got ready for his first date.

--------------

Al came back in a very good mood that night. Ed stared at him for a while before asking what he was so happy about.

"Oh, brother, it was wonderful! She was so nice, and she was sad you couldn't make it, but she understood and said she'd like to meet you sometime, not as a date, but as just like a get-together or something and she's pretty and she's not psycho and she loves kitties too and thank you brother I'm so happy now!"

"You're welcome, Al." Ed paused. "Wait, it was good?"

"Yep."

"So, if I had gone, I wouldn't have been subjected to more…" Ed trailed off. He didn't want to remember.

"Yep." All of a sudden, Al pulled off his chest piece and pulled out a kitten. "So brother this is the kitty I want to keep he's really sweet and I named him Edward because he's got all your good qualities and he's quiet and I love him and please don't go back on your promise because then Edward will cry and I don't want to see him sad please?"

Ed just grunted. He was too upset about the fact that the one date he'd skipped would have been a good one to care that he'd also gotten a random fear of kitties from the hairnet incident. But his fear of kitties would only come out if the kitty were wearing a hairnet, so it wasn't really a fear of kitties, except for the fact that the fear would be much worse than just a normal hairnet sighting.

Then Ed got sick of the rambling and escaped from my closet and yelled at me to stop writing run-ons and so this is where I'm ending it for today.


	11. Chapter 11

Ed sighed as there was a knock on the door. Of course it was his next date, who else could it be? Other than that one girl… Ed shuddered. That girl was creepy, and he didn't even know who it was.

He opened the door, but nobody was in the hallway. Ed frowned. This was unusual. He was about to close the door when he had a rather odd squeak coming from somewhere near his feet.

A pineapple. There was a pineapple next to his feet. And it was looking at him. Someone had glued googly eyes onto a pineapple, and they were defying gravity by staring straight up at him.

"MUSTANG!" Ed shouted into the hallway. "What is with this?"

There was no reply. Ed sighed, picked up the pineapple, and placed it on the table. It still seemed to be watching him. Ed sighed again before picking up the phone. He had to make a call to someone.

"Hawkeye speaking."

"Ah, First Lieutenant."

"Edward? Is something wrong?"

Ed frowned. "There might be."

"I take it you have something to rant about to the Colonel?"

Ed blinked. She was damn sharp about these things. "Ah, yeah…"

"What kind of date did he set up this time?"

Ed looked back at the table. The pineapple was watching him. "A pineapple with googly eyes."

Ed swore he heard laughter on the other end, but it was quickly stifled and Hawkeye said, "I'll connect him to you."

Ed thanked her and waited for a moment before Roy picked up the phone and said, "Mustang."

"A PINEAPPLE!?!??!??!?" Ed shouted.

The other end was silent for a brief moment before Roy spoke. "Come again?"

"Why was there a pineapple at my door? Is this my next date? What the hell kind of joke is that?"

"Calm down, Fullmetal. Yes, it's a pineapple, and yes, you have to date it. She's nice." Mustang easily overrode Ed's attempts to complain as he continued. "Unless you'd rather not have a date tonight and deal with your pack of rabid fangirls."

"They're rabid now?" Ed asked with worry in his voice.

"One of them ended up in the hospital, and yes, she has Rabies. Isn't a pineapple much better?"

Ed groaned. "Oh, for… fine, I'll do it, but you owe me."

"Take any complaints to Havoc. He's the one who started all this."

Ed sighed and hung up the phone before sitting at the table. Somehow, the pineapple had turned, and it seemed to be watching him again. Ed sighed and rested his head on the table. Al waited for him to speak, having sat at the table this entire time.

"This is ridiculous. I want to kill Mustang…"

"It's okay, brother. It could be worse."

Ed poked the pineapple and slammed his head on the table. "How the hell am I supposed to take a stinking pineapple on a date?!"

"Brother!"

"What?"

"Be nice!"

Ed stared at his brother. "It's a freaking pineapple! With googly eyes glued on!"

"She's really nice, brother."

"Wha- SHE? Al! IT'S A PINEAPPLE! WE EAT PINEAPPLES!"

"That's not an excuse to be mean."

"What…"

"Some people eat dogs, brother, but you don't see Winry being mean to Den, or Hawkeye… actually hurting Black Hayate, do you?"

Ed shrugged. "Some cultures eat cats, too, Al."

A faint meow came from Al's direction. It sounded like it was echoing. Ed eyed Al with a creepy spark in his eye. "You know, I'm kind of hungry…"

"Bro… brother…?"

"Yeah, fresh meat sounds really good right now."

"YOU'RE EVIL!"

Ed watched as Al ran off, nearly breaking the door as he slammed it shut behind him. He sighed in relief as he was left alone and rested his head against the table. Then something caught his eye. There were two lines of water coming from each of the pineapple's eye. It was staring straight at him.

Ed looked more closely. Was it… crying…?

"Wait a second. You're really alive?"

The pineapple stared at him as he stood up. Ed somehow knew that it was answering him with a yes.

"Then…"

_Am I really that annoying?_

Ed was mortified. Not only was an inanimate object alive, but it was upset. Ed stammered for a minute. "W-w-wha I-I'm sorry I didn't mean t-t-t-to-"

_It's okay. I understand. I'm used to disappointment._ To Ed's surprise, the pineapple began moving toward the door, and after a moment, it came to the edge of the table. Ed jumped out of his chair and dove to catch it before it hit the floor.

_You… you saved me…?_

Ed looked into the pineapple's eyes. "I-I didn't realize… I'm so sorry…" And then he hugged the pineapple.

-------------

Ed walked down the street, the pineapple in his arms. They were enjoying the afternoon, and everything the shops had to offer, and anyone who commented on Ed hanging out with a pineapple was consequently punched in the face.

Piney and Ed were happy.

And then the dogs came. They attacked Ed and caused him to drop the pineapple, and sadly enough, he was on a bridge that went over a jagged pile of rocks…

"Piney!" Ed screamed, jumping over the bridge and landing easily on one of the flatter rocks. He desperately tried to gather the pieces, but was soon tackled by the aforementioned dogs. He lay sobbing underneath the weight of one of them as the others ate what was left of the pineapple.

Then the dogs were gone, and so was every trace of Piney. He sat there bawling. It was too much for him to take…

_Don't cry, Edward._

Ed looked up, and his jaw dropped in awe. There, floating in front of him, was a beautiful spirit in the shape of a… giant pineapple with giant googly eyes.

_I am free. I can go where I wish without fearing death by smoothie. Thank you._

"B-but…"

_We may meet again, but if not… thank you for today. It was the best day of my short-lived life._

And Ed passed out. Piney went on to travel the world and accomplish many pineapple-tastic feats of sheer wonderfulness. Ed could live knowing that she was happy.

That is, until she emailed him a picture of how any children she and Ed would have had might have looked like. Then Ed was scarred for life.

And that is why Edward Elric hates milk… I mean pineapple.


	12. Chapter 12

It was a quiet night

OH MY GOD I AM SO SORRY I SUCK AT UPDATING BUT I'VE HAD WRITER'S BLOCK AND GAH. I'd be less worried about it if I hadn't just been ignoring this fic, but I just can't seem to write much at the moment.

Anyway, this chapter has language and other stuff, and it's not really that great, but whatever. At least you all know I'm not dead now.

It was a quiet night. Ed was relaxing for a while, not quite ready to accept the fact that he had another date the next day, and he was supposed to meet her at noon. How he was supposed to do that when she supposedly lived in Drachma, Ed had no idea. He was also confused as to why someone from Drachma would be interested in dating an Amestrian, and how the hell the military was going to let that one slide. It just baffled him.

In the end, Ed rolled out of bed the next morning and opened the door when he heard knocking. Roy was standing there, and he walked in and pulled a computer out of a stylish bag hanging over his shoulder. He placed it on the table, plugged it in, and turned it on.

"Why the hell do you have a computer like that?" Ed asked, pointing at the G4 Powerbook with a couple of dents, a missing return key, and a crapload of stickers on the back, including two Switchfoot Oh! Gravity. stickers, one with the Hawaiian Dakine logo, a couple of penguins facing each other just over the glowing apple symbol, and an empty square where a sticker with some anime character had been before. I'm pretty sure it was Daisuke from D.N. Angel, but I can't quite remember.

"I talked to Benji. He asked the author to get you a computer, which means you can't do any damage to it because it's a plothole artifact," Roy explained, just as the wallpaper showed up on the screen.

"Oh dear god, it's some psycho guy with a baseball bat," Ed groaned as he looked at the bloody design. "Can we get rid of that?"

System Preferences – Desktop & Screen Saver – Desktop – Black & White

"Why do we need a black and white one?" Ed asked.

Because that's what my fucking background is right now and you'd better select the fucking Sea Mist one.

"Oh. Are you angry right now?"

No. I'm just trying to add some humor into this part because it seems a little dry. And my mom just accidentally shoved my set of fancy-schmancy pencils off a table. Let's hope they're not broken.

"Shouldn't you get back to the story?"

FUCK DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO! –cough– At that, Roy opened AIM, signed Ed in with a new account, and told him to wait. "She should sign on sometime soon, and she'll contact you," he said before leaving.

Ed stared at the computer screen. It was boring and filled with 17 screencaps and a DVD. Since Ed was bored, he opened up the DVD player and watched LotR special features for a while. He was startled out of this when a window popped up.

_Hi, is this Edward?_

Ed frowned, and spoke his responses out loud as he typed them to make it easier to tell who's saying what. "Yeah. Are you that person I'm supposed to be dating?"

_Tee hee. Yep. How r u?_

"Fine. How are you?"

_Gr8t. I just got off work 2day. My boss is such a idiot._

"Heh, so is mine."

_O rly? That's funney._

"I didn't really think it was funny," Ed muttered.

_How tall r u?_

"Total, about 165 cm."

_Lol. Ur 15, rite?_

"Yeah."

_Do u like girls?_

"Why wouldn't I like girls?" Ed asked, honestly confused.

_I dunno, some ppl do it wit othr guys._

"Oh, that's what you meant."

_Lol ur a n00b._

Ed didn't reply to that one.

_OMG u no wat i got tis ting last nite dat u can stik up ur –censored–_

"Ew. Why would you want that?"

_Its funy._

"I guess…"

_So wats ur –censored– size?_

"What?"

_I wanna kno in case we meat._

"That's rather personal, you know," Ed growled.

_But were on a date!!_

"You call this a date?" Ed snapped. "This is just a bunch of words on a screen! And half of them aren't even words!"

_O srry. So wat u do in da militerry?_

"Alchemy stuff."

_Is dat fun?_

"Not usually."

_O. Wat about war n stuf?_

"I haven't had to deal with it yet."

_Do u haf famly?_

"Yeah, I have a brother."

_How old is he?_

"Fourteen."

_Is he cutee?_

"Um… Why?"

_R u cute?_

"I guess…"

_Wanna cyber?_

Ed blinked. He'd never heard of that before. "Cyber?"

_Ya its were u roleplay n stuff._

Well, _that_ certainly clarified things. "Um… sure, since there's not much else to do…"

_Okay, ill strt. –Walks down da stret wit a bunch of books– "Man, these books r heavy, i need halp."_

"Um… 'Do you need help, ma'am?'"

"_Yes plz. im goin 2 my hous over there." –points to house–_

"I pick up some of the books and carry them to your house with you."

_We go inside and put da books down in da living room. "Thank u mr. Will u help me wit something in my room now?"_

"Um, sure."

–_leads u upstars and sits on da bed– "I need to get dis uber shirt off 1st but its stuck. Cn u help me? i cant breath"_

"I guess…"

–_Takes off shrt & stretches. My brsts r frm under my bra–_

"…What? What the hell is this?"

_Its cybering, silly! Don't go OOC on me now!_

Ed blinked. Then he realized that he could look up the term on the internet, and he opened up a browser. When he saw what it was, he stared at it for a moment and went back to the conversation.

"You know, I changed my mind. Let's… not do that, okay?"

_O r u shy? lets take of ur shirt. –takes off ur shirt and pushes u on the bed–_

Ed tried to quit out of the program, but evidently Benji had made that impossible, so he simply turned the computer so that he couldn't see the screen and lay down on his bed. At least he could get some sleep while everyone thought he was on a date…

He didn't hear Roy knock on the door, and he only woke up when the door slammed behind the Colonel. He looked up at him with his 'I hate you and I wish you were dead so that I didn't have to do this' look before sitting up.

"Did you get bored?" Roy asked.

"You found another crazy one," Ed replied.

"Oh?" Roy looked at the screen. "'Awwww, ur so cute when ur shy. I tug on the ropes again and pull out ur –censored– and stick it in my –censored– and then–' Sounds like you had a fun night."

Ed groaned. "I left as soon as I realized what cybering meant."

"Mind if I take over?" Roy asked, a playful glint in his eye.

Ed glared at him. "You are one sick man, you know that?"

Roy laughed. "If I actually got off on what I'm about to say, then maybe you'd be right. What's the grossest animal you can think of?"

"I dunno, some insect, I guess," Ed replied, though he didn't quite see where Roy was going with this.

"Let's just go with a katydid, then," Roy said before sitting down at the computer and beginning to type. "I groan in pleasure and then let out the katydid that's been in my mouth this whole time. It crawls down my chest and feels your soft hair down there before it calls to its katydid friends with its beautiful song…"

_Y r u usin bugs?_

"Don't they just make you so horny?"

_Ewwwww ur gross!_

"But I'm not finished yet! We still haven't gotten into the masochistic part yet!"

_IM LEAVING!!_

And with that, she was gone. Ed stared at the Colonel in gratitude.

"Well, I figured since she may have scarred you for life that I should at least give her the same lovely gift," Roy said.

And Ed found that he could laugh at the whole ordeal. Several weeks later. When my computer was nowhere near him.

Yeah, I think it sucks, but hey, what else is new? As for why I chose katydids, go look up questionable content. One of the strips in that comic has a katydid in it, but it's in the middle of 1161 (as of June 9th, at least…) comics, so good luck finding it. Still, though, it's a pretty decent comic with good art and funny punch-lines, so yeah. Also, xkcd is a good one too. I feel weird advertising stuff on my fics, but I figure it might explain why I don't get any writing done.

Anyway, I have half-finished chapters for like three fics, so no promises, but there _is_ a possibility for an update soon. I hope. Plus I have a story on lotrfanfiction dot com that I've been working on for a while, so just look me up there. My username is the same.

If only writing was as mindless as embroidery, then I might get more of it done…


End file.
